there's a place for us....somewhere

for all of us dealing with relationships in which one spouse has ADHD (or was suspected of having ADHD) and the other spouse did not (a.k.a. non-ADHD partner), take a much-needed, long-overdue break (from anger, frustration) and celebrate the world that is ADHD.....

take your partner's hand (look into their eyes, share a hug!) and listen to this inspiring song! (then, share another hug!)

share your thoughts and be heard S O M E W H E R E!

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and, for all you "Babs" fans (you know you're out there!) sit your partner down for a little over five minutes and enjoy this!

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back to life, back to reality (2 of 2 - long)

i had to take a much needed "breather" to calm myself down from sunday's showdown. we're now back on the bloggersphere and would like to recount the events for posterity.

{some history}

DH goes to a marriage therapist / social worker (will henceforth be known as "s.w.#6") [a.k.a. "the blood-sucking leech who's taken advantage of my husband's vulnerability"] whom i've mentioned in a previous post, once a week, mostly monday p.m.'s.

every sunday, (unconsciously or not, puzzling nonetheless because it never fails to happen!) somehow, we fall into an emotional trap where we get into an argument over something mundane and we both go to our corners and not speak to each other. on monday he comes back from his session and depending on what s.w.#6 instructed him to do, the rest of our week picks up from that point on....(well, monday came and went and we're still in the no speaking zone!)

in the past, my attempt to wean DH from seeking "help" from this (unqualified) s.w.#6 had fallen on deaf ears. DH lost his father probably at the same time he was diagnosed with ADD, and has since sought the "paternal refuge" provided by his former (several) male therapists. in a private phonecall, s.w.#6 actually claimed that although DH had been diagnosed with adhd, he thinks DH has got "something else going on" (that was his professional opinion!), i wonder how much that phonecall cost!

OTOH, we successfully detached DH from s.w.#2 (of probably 4 years, before DH and i met). two females: s.w.#3 was professional and said truthfully that she was not qualified to handle our case, s.w.#4 actually asked that we meet with her the day i had a hair appointment for my wedding entourage, and another two days before the wedding! (the wedding that never was! yet another future blog entry!)

{back to sunday a.m.}

we woke up early (basking in the glory that was thur., fri. and sat.!) and planned our day:

• (ME) attend early morning service, (DH) mow the lawn


• (ME) make us breakfast


• we go to an 11a.m. showing of the 3-d movie "journey to the center of the earth"


• we eat out for lunch and bring back leftovers


• dinner time: we relax at home and watch the olympic closing ceremony!
  

we did great! until....

a phonecall from the M-I-L (we suspect has undiagnosed ADD) during breakfast broke the day! she had a hair appointment in the middle of the day and needed a ride. DH decided we go to the 11a.m. show and sneak out (as he has done this in the past!) while he attend to his mother and bring her back as our houseguest! well, i was just not in the mood for such antics!

so, after we bought our tickets at the booth and on our way into the theater i decided to skip the charade and just wait for his mother's hair appointment!

at 2pm, as we were seated at the restaurant my M-I-L asked if she bothered me and boldly i answered, " YES!" and kept to myself for the rest of the meal.

{here's the conversation that went on mostly between DH and M-I-L}

M-I-L: aaaw, i should just go. i don't want to bother (ME)

DH: no ma, you're already here might as well seat down and eat!

M-I-L: (addresses ME) is it ok for me to stay?

ME: it's a free country, do whatever you want!

M-I-L: aaaw, i should just go. i hate to be a bother. (as she constantly bops up and down her chair)

DH: no ma, just stay. ahm wait how can we do this.....

(server comes and confirms my order)

M-I-L: uhm miss, maybe you should cancel my soup, i may not be joining them.

(server brings in the appetizers)

M-I-L (and DH simulatenously): miss, can you please bring the soup....?

server brings the soup and my first drink (gin and tonic).

DH does not drink and i (used to be a social beer drinker) respect that and refrained from alcoholic beverages since we've been together. on occasion, particularly when i am very upset and can't take the pressure much longer i order a drink (the sign that DH has taken to recognize that i am livid!).

M-I-L: this soup is salty. (to her every soup she orders is salty, before she even has a taste! one time i told her to water it down!) addresses DH: do you think this is salty? (DH takes a slurp).

one of my pet peeves is sharing plates in public, much less a formal dining establishment! i just feel it is not sanitary!

DH: maybe you should order a salad instead.

(note: my M-I-L orders soup and salad instead of an entree and then proceeds "to have some of what we're having." we've solved that issue by ordering two or three entrees all placed in the middle of the table with serving utensils!)

unfortunately that day, this was not so. DH and M-I-L decided to share a bruschetta for appetizer and "watch" as i eat my entree!

(note) i waited for the M-I-L to exclaim how she can't eat anything with tomato as she is allergic! what a bunch of bleep! but DH and M-I-L sure enjoyed that plate of bruschetta. no leftovers!

(server takes the empty glass of gin and tonic and i order my second drink, a chianti to go with my entree, and in the middle of all that exchange, the M-I-L informs the server that the soup was salty.....then, i tune everything else out!)

(i overhear DH recount how we watched the olympics, and five or six other snippets of our life which he has already told her as they talk at least 2-3x a day!)

M-I-L: this soup is salty. do you think this is salty? (DH takes another slurp)

(server brings the tiramisu for dessert and three forks to share) it just sits there.

M-I-L: what's in there? (we order this same dessert everytime at this, and any other restaurant that serves it, and we used to eat together at least 3x a month for the past eight years until a few months ago!).

the meal thankfully ends and DH drops me off at home and drives M-I-L home!

(and then i hear rupert holmes sing.....)

I didn't think about my lady, I know that sounds kind of mean.

But me and my old lady, had fallen into the same old dull routine.

{THE END}

question is, what happened?

• we wanted to do too much in so little time


• two wrongs don't make a right (by giving up on the 11am show and painfully waiting on the M-I-L)


• left ourselves open to too much distraction

back to life, back to reality (1 of 2)

{sunday}

the en vogue song below is just the perfect song to describe my "yesterday". [more on this in my next blog....i just need time to calm myself down.] so for those who've never heard the song, listen in and read the lyrics! enjoy!

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En Vogue - Back to Life, Back to Reality


Back to life, back to reality
Back to life, back to reality
Back to life, back to reality
Back to the here and now yeah
Show me how, decide what you want from me
Tell me maybe I could be there for you

However do you want me,
However do you need me
How, however do you want me,
However do you need me.
However do you want me,
However do you need me
How, however do you want me,
However do you need me.

Back to life, back to the present time,
Back from a fantasy yeah
Tell me now, take the initiative
I'll leave it in your hands until you're ready oh

However do you want me,
However do you need me
How, however do you want me
However do you need me,
However do you want me
However do you need me
How, however do you want me
However do you need me

However do you need me
However do you need me
However do you need me
However do you need me

I live at the top of the block,
No more room for trouble or fuss
Need a change, a positive change look
Look it's me writing on the wall
However do you want me
However do you need me

Back to life, back to the day we have
Let's end this foolish game
Hear me out, don't let it waste away
Make up your mind so I know where I stand

two days and counting....

...my blessings.

{thursday}

DH came home and we both enjoyed each other's company watching the olympic women's beach volleyball finals....cheering till the wee hours of the night!

{friday}

DH left for work and promised to be home to watch more olympics. (note: an exception to our normal home-cooked dinner at the dining table with no tv, nor phonecalls).

that night we prepared dinner together in the kitchen and everything just flowed smoothly....we were able to share the kitchen counterspace, while we watched the olympics and ate at the kitchen table!

DH waited until we both were done and then called my M-I-L for the daily "evening hello check-in call."

{saturday}

we both slept so comfortably with no stress that DH almost overslept!

24 hour pharmacy, etc.

it's past 10pm (we try to go to bed by 10pm in our household) and the phone rings. i pickup and it's DH on the other end: "my bike got a flat, i'm at (the 24 hr. pharmacy)...don't worry i'll walk home."

(strike #1)
earlier that day, we had our date night---we try to eat out once-a-week, saturdays mostly, but it changes (of course). i had to leave the table to wash my hands and asked (at least 3x) that he please not leave at the same time because i had my purse sitting on the seat....i return after what seemed like half an hour (i waited forever for someone to come out of the washroom!) and i noticed a half-filled up salad plate....yes, he left the table.

("If you like Pina Coladas, ....)

(strike #2)
we were having such a great conversation throughout the meal, until he says.....(repeats what he had overheard from a conversation at the next table). i remind him not to listen to other people's conversations, but if we are seated next to a loud group, we just don't stand a chance!

looking back we've had more "success" in more intimate surroundings (where "loudness" is frowned upon and people speak almost a decibel close to a whisper!)

(strike #3)
going back to the late night phone call....i asked, "who on earth asked you to bike at night?" (he's currently obsessed with biking everywhere). i got out of bed, took out the bike rack and picked him up. on the way home he blurts out, "you want to know how i got a flat, i was attacked!"

("That you liked Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain....").

i shut down and didn't say a word until we got back home. he left for work this morning, without a goodbye.

(the pina colada song) saved the day!

what is "the pina colada" song, you ask?

rupert holmes' - "Escape" (The Pina Colada Song) lyrics begins something like this:

I was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long. Like a worn-out recording of a favorite song. So while she lay there sleeping, I read the paper in bed. And in the personal columns, there was this letter I read:

"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain. If you're not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain. If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape. I'm the love that you've looked for, write to me, and escape."

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yesterday DH (da hubby) came home almost in tears....he had been talking "to someone" (i can only guess....but never found out) about "our troubles" and said it made him feel sad and depressed. then he goes on to ask....will you see smith (the marriage counselor/ social worker he's been seeing in lieu of his neurologist and ADD coach for the past two years) with me? or how about (someone else's name) a new ADD coach, ...or how about father K (our parish priest)......?

(and we're back to the old routine....he's depressed, it affects me, and we start an argument).

but this time, i walked away and started humming the pina colada song....in the past, when i felt that the cycle of the old routine was creeping in i would countdown from 100 to 1, and before that i used to "breathe out" the bad vibes, (both have surpassed their usefulness!)....and it actually made me S M I L E.

hours later he came back home (after he drove off somewhere) in a much different, more lighter mood (what a surprise!), and all was well in our household---then we both went to bed.

global community of non-ADHD partners (our vision)

social online communities have grown since 2005. as a matter of fact, here's our own f2add facebook account!

wouldn't it be great to connect with someone from across the ocean (maybe locally too, like across town?) who felt alone in their frustration with their relationship? that despite our cultural, religious, political, educational, (and whatever else you can conjure!) differences that we are ALL "connected" through our ADHD partner. we ALL just want to understand and have the tool/s to manage our lives while we accept and live the rest of our years in a harmonious relationship with our adult ADHD partner.

now, if only we can find THE ANSWER! anyone?

there are good days, and there are bad. since 2001, i slowly, albeit painfully continue to strive towards finding a middle ground, because i refuse to give up and succomb to a divorce! i refuse to be a statistic!

our vision

let this forum be a means towards a gratifying end---to increase the number of successful marriages / relationships between non-ADHD partners and adult ADD'ers in our lifetime and for the next generation, one couple at a time!